blogger-de · Germanblogger · Germany · happiness · Libra · Life

Life as a Coffeeholic

Hello, my name is Cleo and l am a coffeeholic.

Caffeine completes me l swear.

Today l experienced that Aha moment, not that l did not know this already, but today was just special.

Being a lover of my own company l spent half of the day in bed with my kindle. I only stood up once for a cup of tea and a sandwich. Around five however, l suddenly remembered the shops were about to close and l still needed extensions fr my hair. So in the shower l hopped, slipped on my comfy leggings a blouse and my all-weather sweater.

PS* you need one believe me if you live under the German weather. Mine is an olive-green, neutral all-rounder color, suitable for all seasons. Light enough fr me to cope when its warm and warm enough for when the going gets cold.

Anyway, back to my coffee moment.

l made it to the city in thirty minutes max, got the extensions and fell victim as always to the Zara and H&M sale signs. Having spent a few bucks on some skinny jeans, one can never have enough of those now can they, l was ready to hit home.

It was at this moment that l spotted Backwerk across the street and remembered l had not had my coffee cut for the day. The minutes which then followed were bliss l swear.

Coffee in one hand, wind blowing through my hair, sun on my face. Gosh life has never been so perfect as that moment. Suddenly l swapped my resting bitch face with a big bright smile.  A spring came to my step and l was so happy.

This is the exact feeling l get when l sit at Starbucks, and take a sip on my coffee. Occasionally my eyes will close and l just linger on that high. l don’t mind the price, l am willing to fork out all my hard-earned cash for that Starbucks moment, and indeed l do.

Same feeling l get from that first cup at the train station while waiting for my connection. The world immediately goes still l swear, and for those few minutes l am at my happiest.

I don’t care if it is insane, l dont care if it is an addiction that has me licking out of the palms of its hands. I just know that l love my coffee.

attacks · blogger-de · Düsseldorf · Germany · Life · Notestoself

When it hits close to home

It is now way after midday, but l am still in bed trying to find the strength to get up and face the day. It has been a rough night. Between my insomnia, upcoming exams and horrendous events of yesterday, l am totally drained.

  1. Yesterday night, a man randomly attacked people with an axe at Düsseldorf central station. Am always there, always. It is by the grace of God that my friends and l were not there yesterday.
  2. The 19-year-old who killed a 9 yr old on Monday evening, by stabbing him 40 times, finally apprehended himself to the police yesterday after having killed another 2 victims. The audio tape he released on the Darknet after killing the boy was on Facebook yesterday, and my gut went cold listening to it.

When it hits close to home, you cant help but ponder. It is different when you watch it on the news, when it happens on your turf, on the streets you know so well, on the platforms you walk on day in day out, it suddenly becomes real.

It is a crazy world we live in, it scares the s*** out of me when l think of the people you rub shoulders with on a daily basis out there. They could be anything. They could be the next victim me included.

Nonetheless the sun will always rise.

So, when it hits close to home, take cover, recoup, re- strategize and go after life twice as hard. For you cannot let them win.

Good will always triumph over evil.

 

 

 

blogger-de · family · Germanblogger · Germany · Life · lifestyle blogger · Notes to self · Stress · Young adult life

Cries of a Daughter 

My dear African family, just because l am in the diaspora does not mean my life is the yellow of an egg, in fact if l knew what l know now, l would have chosen to pursue my life goals in Bulawayo, a place called home, surrounded by family and friends.
Stop judging my life through the lens of my profile picture, it is but just a picture, taken from the best angle possible with the best lighting possible brushed off with the best filter possible to give the best illusion possible. Did l mention the makeup? Or how about the fake smile or pout l quickly erase as soon as the camera is out of focus.
Lets talk about finance. Just because l currently live in an economically sound country does not necessarily mean that my finances are in order. As a matter of fact l have to work twice as hard to have half of what my peers have. So stop sending the money requests because quite frankly between my bills and l, l have none.
Dear family, when was the last time you genuinely inquired on my being? I can now sing our telephone conversation like a bad jingle, because they are always the same, always. The usual how am l question which l can hardly finish answering before you have fired your next questions. The when am l finally finishing Uni question, or the most loved am l now working alternative. And last but not least, the when are you coming home question which is usually followed up by your amazingly expensive wish list. For starters l do not work at the Santa factory, and if l ever do get employed in the North pole rest assured l will hand deliver your wish list to Santa personally, how about that?
How about a genuine how am l question for once? How about a simple conversation for once with you indulging me in the details of your new finger licking recipe, sharing details on that new dance sending the youngsters on a frenzy, why don´t you tell me about that plan of yours? About that upcoming trip of yours?
Where is the love?
Where is the care?
Where is the Compassion?
Nonetheless, when it’s all said and done, we are still family, l will always love you dearly and put your first.

Germanblogger · happiness · Libra · Life · Notestoself · Strong black woman

Happiness in little things

Just the other day, someone expressed how there was such a tone of melancholy on my blog as compared to the person they see. To which somebody answered, yes that is also her. To which l will answer, yes that is also me. But mistake me not for sad.

My happiness is in the little things.

It is in that moment when l wake up and look out the window and behold the day unwinding with all its fresh things in store for me.

It is in that first sip of coffee as l stand on the platform waiting for my train.

It is in that morning train ride, kindle in one hand coffee in the other with all the familiar strangers in the train.

It is in that morning playlist that makes me start my morning closer to God.

My happiness is in the little things.

Those moments were l sit with my friends each engrossed in their own tasks but still sharing the same oxygen.

Those silent moments where the person l am with understands what l am saying without having to put it into words.

That one emoji my friends and l will see and be sent into spasms of laughter irregardless of time and space.

That smile you get when you look into the innocent eyes of a child.

It is all in the little things.

That heartfelt note left on your desk.

Those fresh flowers on a table.

That simple greeting or thank you.

The rays of the sun on your face.

The sound of your lover’s voice.

That compliment from your mother.

Every day, l find something to smile about, mostly in the little things.

So slow down, take a moment, look around you, and take it all in.

For happiness is in all the little things.

Germany · Life · Notes to self · Racism · Strong black woman

Being Black in Germany

Race is a very sensitive topic, one that makes people cringe and very uncomfortable. But unfortunately we have to talk about it. Many at times l have sought to share my feelings on this topic, but the fear of the controversial responses and people l might offend has always stopped me.

But today, that lady who stood up as l sat adjacent to her on a spacious four seater in the train and  instead chose to go and squeeze herself with the bicycles for the remainder of the forty minute journey, touched a chord inside of me. And as l sat there contemplating whether to stand up and go look for another seat so as to allow her the comfort l had robbed her of, l knew this post was way overdue. All l wanted in that moment was to go up to her and ask her why she had stood up? Did l scare her? Was l perhaps carrying a foul body odor from my long day? Did she dislike foreigners? Or maybe she just preferred to sit alone.

Flashback to the time when l was preparing to come to Germany, and everybody was worried about how l would choose Germany, the famous Nazi land in history as my destination of choice. Quite frankly it never bothered me then, and l do believe Germans are not as a bad. People just judge them from their serious faces and way of doing things. Once you get to know them, they are warm individuals just like all of us.

But then, just like in any country there will always be prejudice or discrimination directed at someone because of their different race. Down here it exists but unlike in America where police footage from body cameras or dashboard cameras constantly shocks us, it is subtle. Most of my German friends express shock when l tell them this but believe it or not, racism is everywhere. You have to be discriminated against first to feel it.

Try and be in the bus or train, and have the police head to you first irregardless of where you are sitting to ask for your documents.

Try and be the passenger when that ticket controller comes around to check your ticket with an expectation already written all over his or her face.

Try and sit down next to people in th train and have them stand up, make nasty grunts or purposely cross their legs and turn their backs torwards you.

Try and walk in into a store and have the security person tag along you immediately.

Try and check in at some fancy place, and be questioned of your identity and if indeed you are the person on the reservation.

Try and have the store alarm beep as you walk out and see how vigorously you will be dealt with.

Try…try…try…try…

Many at times we are subconsciously acting as racists and we dont even realize it. I do it too at times. As for me, l have found a way to make myself small and not attract too much attention. As soon as l walk out of my door, l am like an actor in a movie. Fitting in, being cautious and going out of my way to belong, so as to avoid these terrible moments.  When out there, do like the Romans when in Rome is my motto.

Sometimes l wonder if the verbal outspoken rasicm is preferable in comparison to this silent subtle one. But thats a question for another day, for now,

This is being Black in Germany.

Life · Notestoself · relationships · Strong black woman · Young adult life

Emotional Bullies

Somebody stole my joy recently.

And if it were not for my great friends l would still be wallowing down that dark tunnel that person left me in.

I felt so robbed,so betrayed. How could somebody you trust and whom you have opened your doors to, take that trust and use it against you.

I let them into my home out of the goodness of my heart, but they took that as a stepping stone to quench their selfish wants. 

There is nothing as painful as being emotionally bullied. When somebody purposely invades your space knowing very well you can do nothing about it. Knowing very well they have the upper hand. The audacity of it all. Am appalled. It makes me sick to the core.

I am still angry, very angry. But then l am grateful l only have to deal with the anger now. Before l reached out for help l was a scared mess. I felt threatened and l coiled into my shell a vulnerable mess. Flashbacks took me back to a few years back when l had to deal with someone like this. For almost three years l dated somebody emotionally abusive, and to this day l carry the scars.

That person who told me am nothing without them. That person who told me they were all l had. That person who told me l can do nothing on my own. That person who preached how lazy l was and even nicknamed me a sloth. That person who even went to the point of calling my family monkeys. A person who knows me would be shocked to learn that l even believed this of myself back then, after it had been sung and imbedded deep into my soul on a daily basis. But guess what he was wrong. I am none of those things.

And guess what, new devil. No more. You can not take my joy anymore. I refuse to go down this road again. You will not abuse my trust ever again. That window has closed.

Stand up to emotional abusers. They must know the world is not their playing field.

Stand up!!!

Libra · Life · Notestoself · relationships · Season · Stress · Strong black woman · Woman · Young adult life

Life at 27

At 27

I don’t feel entitled 

But l refuse to settle 

It’s either the highway or no way

If l be left empty-handed 

So be it!

Recently l have written about five posts and deleted them without even publishing them. But then today l decided to be true to this blog. The initial reason for “the girl from Bulawayo” was to pen my heart out. So why then am l holding back now that only dark ink is oozing. I refuse to run my blog like my social media painting life with filters and fake smiles.

Anyway back to the topic at hand. Life at 27 is brutal. Its one of those crucial stages basically shaping what direction your life will take. Personally am feeling the pressure from all angles. Having pitched up late to the university race, l only started my Masters recently. Something l don’t regret though. I believe the mature me was better equipped for my university life than the younger me, and all those moments that leveled me to zero, would surely have carried me to the grave yard.

My career ambitions are not the only boulder pushing in at 27, but the expectations my family has of me. At 27 back home in Zimbabwe you are married with a kid or two, and with a life expectancy of 62 for women, at this stage you have almost lived half of your life. So basically technically all the conversations with my family start with,”When are you coming home?”, followed by “When are you getting married?”. And thereafter a long lecture on how am not getting any younger blah blah blah. Family please l know the clock is ticking, and no one is better qualified to remind me of my own ovaries than me myself and l. That’s why am really avoiding most of them now by the way. If only they read my blog, maybe the would give me a break.

And while we are still here can we talk about the dating game at 27. Another extremely brutal playing field. A friend of mine explained it beautiful for me, he said its like walking blindfolded in a field of landmines. Better still you are relentlessly pursued by the ones that don’t matter and the ones you care for are aloof and basically the worst as***. Toying with your emotions and not even realizing it.

Life at 27, means am basically a b*** especially when it comes to friendships. Am done with everything and anything that has drama attached to it. It means my circle is limited to five people, and l really can not handle more. Good friendships are about giving and taking and l do not have the capacity to give and take beyond this.

Life at 27 means weekends spent in bed, sipping on my tea reading or watching my favorite series. Or partying three nights in a row.

Life at 27 means me living healthy and indulging in all things healthy. Little 10 minute workouts, cooking healthy, drinking enough water and motivational exercises are all part of my routine. I am more aware of how quickly those fast food burgers head to my waist. My cereal diet days are now a thing of the past.

Life at 27 means knowing me and the things that make me happy. And believe me its all in the little things. Life at 27 means me knowing not to compare or gauge myself according to my peers, because each one of us has their own path.

Life at 27 also means dealing with and sorting all of these emotions. Hence the dark days tend to be frequent . Days where l just refuse to get out of bed and battle feelings of being overwhelmed. 

But as long as l am fighting on, taking every day as it comes. The road will finally smoothen out, it wont stay on this sharp edge forever.

I refuse to settle 27.

Life · Notestoself · Season · Stress · Strong black woman · Young adult life

Seasons

Today was one of those days where my alarm rang  and I turned it off while  pulling the blankets over my head.

” I cant do this..” l mumbled as l forced myself again to sleep. This is my latest technique to try and escape  the harsh reality of my world. Seeing l stay alone, l can stay in this state for as long as l wish and nothing nor anyone will shake me out of it. There´s no noises coming from the rest of the house as the family scurries about getting ready for the day, nor a roommate to irritate me as they go about their Morning rituals. Now that l think of it, it is definitely an unhealthy con that comes with living alone. Sometimes that human chaos forces us to put on a strong front and face the day. And once the wind hits your face, it’s not as bad, you pick yourself up and go on with the day, though gloomy and less productive you keep on moving.

Seeing l have no one to fake it to,when my blue days do come around l hit rock bottom. Like today, my curtains remained closed all day long and all day long l lay in an appalling morbid state trying to sleep. Way after mid-day l was still in bed, still with no energy to face life.

At this point, I sat up in bed and started going through my To-do list. Well l had missed a full day, but l decided to forgive myself and accept am not superwoman. Its ok not to be perfect. Realising l had an appointment with my friends in a few hours, I turned on to some retail therapy and got myself two super reads on amazon and l was halfway there. A nice long hot shower would do the rest. Need l say more, around five o’clock l walked out of the house,  face beat,head held high and life continued. Before leaving the house, l snapped that picture from my window, and something about it stuck on my mind.

Seasons.

Not long ago l had looked out of that very same window and it was summer, and weird enough l never had such gloomy days in summer. Even on my most blue days, l would throw something skimpy on, hop on my bicycle and ride my blues away. I guess this my latest theatric has come about with the current season, and just like the current season it is not here to stay.

My life is like the seasons, not always warm and perfect but in a constant flux. Surprisingly enough, l love it in all its spins and continuously evolving patterns.

Libra · Life · NASA · zodiac

New Zodiac

A few days ago my friend sent me a text,

Her: Did you know that you are Virgo?

Nothing could have prepared me for the next few seconds of that day. Even today, I am still very much upset. Very. But yea here is how it went down.

Me: What are you talking about 

Her: Whats your star sign?

Me: Libra

Her: Better luck next time, 

Capricorn: Jan 20 – Feb 16

Aquarius: Feb 16 – March 11

Pisces: March 11 – April 18

Aries: April 18 – May 13

Taurus: May 13 – June 21

Gemini: June 21 – July 20

Cancer: July 20 – Aug 10

Leo: Aug 10 – Sept 16

Virgo: Sept 16 – Oct 30

Libra: Oct 30 – Nov 23

Scorpio: Nov 23 – Nov 29

Ophiuchus: Nov 29 – Dec 17

Sagittarius: Dec 17 – Jan 

Her: New signs according to NASA 

The panic that gripped me. I was like wait a minute, Nooo way!!! I am a libra inside out, the traits and characteristics match perfectly. It can’t be. Nooo way!!!

Ridiculous I know, but that was my initial reaction. In those few seconds, my life flashed before me. I was convinced science and technology had perhaps a sound explanation. But being a Libra is something i have carried proudly since birth, followed and believed up to this day, hence you can understand how robbed i felt in those few seconds. What now, l thought. Does this mean i am a Virgo? So of course the next thing I did was race to the Virgo horoscope, my so-called new Fate and hastily I read through all their traits and characteristics. Actually, only a few were farfetched from my person, hence i solemnly accepted my fate. 

In that moment I mourned the loss of my Libra sign and was saddened at the life i have lived as lie. Only it has not been a lie. I guess it is important to always read and understand before jumping into conclusions.

Well seeing I was still flooding my friends wall with my wailings, she kindly sent me the link to the following Cosmo article, which i must say took me out of my misery: http://www.cosmopolitan.co.uk/entertainment/news/a45943/star-sign-horoscope-change-2016/  

First of all it was equally satisfying to see the reaction of the author, which pretty much reflected mine. ” SORRY WHAT.” The new sign added in by NASA made me yell, and boy oh boy was I satisfied to read the authors reaction 

Oh yeah, let’s talk about ol’ Ophiuchus, shall we? NASA sneakily added a 13th zodiac sign a while back, like’s it no big thing. WELL. IT. IS.

Well all this happened in just about five minutes, and I am still to read further on this new development. Will probably scout for a ted talk while i am at it, to get a clear understanding of what this actually means. Does it mean l get to live the fist two decades of my life as a Libra and now l will be a Virgo till the axis changes again? Or was l already a Virgo, we just took long to catch on.

But seeing my initial reaction has been jolly wild I thought l would pen it down and share my shock waves with you guys.

For now all I can say is i have understood that the earth..blah blah  blah…has shifted…blah blah blah and as a result the new signs…blah blah blah. Oh and apparently astronomy and astrology are two different things. So we all good, whatever that means.

Change is an emotional rollercoaster man, am not ready!!! I will hold on a little bit longer to my Libra sign. End of discussion.